Confessional musings of my younger self

I’ve re-introduced myself to my abandoned virtual diary from several years ago; many diary entries are pretty cringeworthy to me now but it’s interesting to see how my thought processes have morphed in time. I’m fascinated with how the brain reorganises itself, how fluid identity is, and how consciousness evolves and adopts new patterns. Indulging in this type of retrospection always makes me revert to my constant preoccupation with our ephemeral nature and cosmic resonance. A lot has been going on since I was last posting my slightly curated stream-of-consciousness there. And I still have mixed feelings about thought curation in regard to diary entries. Still, here are some entries that today’s self has found intriguing or fun.

“Soon I’ll be in Leeds- home of damnation, goth, rain, grey skies, and straightforward people. And of wild clubbing which I will try to avoid.” [24 june 2015, 06:38 pm] This hasn’t aged well, I ended up liking clubbing.



“My Freudian super-ego needs to be sent off on vacation.[…]

The advantages of living on this street include drunk people having aggressive, loud discussions in a Yorkshire accent at 4 am.[…]

If something doesn’t feel right, if it doesn’t make you feel happy, please don’t settle, Self. Realise what can and what can’t be fixed, but also what matters and what doesn’t. Distinguishing the objective from the subjective, the self from the other can get difficult when you are connected with someone on a deep level. Don’t lose yourself. I guess – be fluid, but don’t lose yourself in someone else’s fluidity.

To do: stop projecting and dwelling on past disasters (or perceived disasters). Shed those embedded preconceptions, somehow. Acknowledge your roots, but allow yourself to grow and be fluid. Re-evaluate some principles. Find a balance between judging situations based on previously recognised patterns and accepting that everything is fluid.

I need to throw myself in the cinematic world I am trying to create. My ideas come primarily in the form of short story excerpts, and the second creative layer involves turning this into a script, while imagining the shots with some awareness of details. I realise I tend to imagine narratives in the form of monologue. I often focus on telling one side of the story elaborately. The receiver is too often quite one-dimensional, a receptacle of soliloquies. But I have to shape the other character too, to bring them both to life, credibly. Bring them both to life, figuratively, and literally – for she comes from the past, from hundreds of years before the time of the narrative. She had a brother. She tells their story. We see it, she (the other one) sees or hears it, as if through an otherworldly portal, and inexplicable things happen – things that disrupt the present narrative.

Sometimes I wish I grew up with an older brother in my life. A male figure that would have blessed my childhood with kindness, understanding, empathy, and without authority – building up a hardly shakeable faith in humanity. One that would have known me better than anyone. Someone who would let me know my feelings were valid, who would not let cynicism poison aspects of my life. This ideal connection inspired the plot I have in mind” [10 april 2016 06:30 am]



“I just had a serious conflict with […] because he doesn’t acknowledge the status of film as an art form. Initially he said it’s because it’s a collective process, but that didn’t hold up well so he started making up other reasons.

It “inspired” me so much that I am thinking about elaborating my arguments into an essay.

I get quite emotional when I plunge into a debate about something I am very passionate about, which implicitly reduces my credibility, as well as making some people get even more defensive about their own stance. I am perfectly aware that if I changed my defensive attitude or approaches, I would be far more convincing in conveying my core beliefs and making people respect, if not completely accept them. Yet I am often driven by feelings in the heat of a conflict related to something that matters to me.

It happens all the time – Two people can share a belief with you, but their choice of words and the vibes they give off matter immensely. The impact of words and the approach showing kindness or perhaps patience (besides eloquence and confidence) can have a decisive role.” [28 march 2016 02:11 am]



“He said photography, or art in general, does not define me.
That I would be just the same without it; I argued that it (your creative practice) shapes you, it can be a huge part of your life. I felt I was stating the obvious and he was just playing Devil’s advocate, which I found irritating; but he was sort of serious-
He said the experience itself changes you, not the work resulting from it- that the photographs I take, for instance, don’t change who I am.
Yet I find myself in art. I explore my self through art.
We agreed that the process changes you, and the result (the art) is a reflection of who you are.
He said he loves me because I am caring, smart, I observe things around me, I like learning, I am creative, not because of a photographic aesthetic I go for. Fair point, but the artistic concepts are so relevant to how I perceive myself; and how did we end up talking about love? It seems like deflecting” – He also said something really sacrilegious about art, and the words got etched into my mind as my lasting memory of that connection, but I left that out because it was so annoying. [2 september 2016 03:00 pm] Not only does the creative process & outcome alter you, in a way, but the consuming / viewing process can have similar properties too – https://dianamarin.com/2021/11/11/art-is-heightened-life/

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