Tag: personal

  • Gratitude Journal Entry No. 4

    There is a particular quality to gratitude that asks nothing of us but presence—a dwelling in the somatic fact of aliveness itself, in its quiet insistence, its refusal to announce itself with fanfare. Today I feel grateful for the simple, ongoing act of being alive. In the quiet, embodied sense.

    I am grateful for the way the world continues to offer itself in fragments: a cup of hot chocolate, a familiar street corner, a moment of inner calm that would have once felt unreachable. I’m grateful to live in this small world I’ve arranged into beauty, decorated like a studio from elsewhere, a sanctuary that exists slightly outside of time.

    I’m grateful to be on a path of self-discovery. What I have come to understand is that I am engaged not in a project of self-improvement—that teleological fantasy of becoming someone other—but in something more akin to return. A slow reorientation towards what I might call the “true self,” though I prefer to think of it as a kind of archaeological practice: the careful excavation of accumulated sediment, the brushing away of narratives that were never mine to begin with. Old stories. Inherited anxieties. Roles adopted out of necessity rather than authenticity. Beneath these accreted layers, something remains. Something that does not require performance as the price of its existence.

    There is potency in the symbolic architecture of beginnings. 2026 arrives as threshold, as demarcation, as invitation. We mark these temporal boundaries because we are meaning-making creatures, because the nervous system responds to ritual, because we need to believe—perhaps must believe—in the possibility of choosing again.

    I’m grateful for the coming of spring, my favourite season, even if it’s still far away. Grateful for the idea of the first snowdrop—that small, defiant softness pushing through frozen earth, insisting that life continues. I like how spring arrives as a gradual uncoiling, a softening, a release. A slow permission. A gentle undoing of winter.

    I’m grateful for what I’m learning to let go of.

    Letting go of the emotional baggage that no longer deserves a permanent room inside me. Of the patterns I carried because I didn’t know what else to do. Of survival strategies that have outlived their utility. The distinction between what I learned in order to survive and what I am learning in order to live. Letting go is not always clean, linear, instantaneous, redemptive—sometimes it’s a series of small releases, repeated over time, until the nervous system begins to trust that the present is not merely a continuation of the past.

    I’m grateful to exist exactly as I am.

    Not as a future version. Not as the more polished, more healed, more “sorted” self that haunts self-help discourse. Simply as a woman engaged in the ordinary work of living—learning, creating, becoming, and also remaining constant in the ways that constitute continuity of self. To be allowed complexity. To be permitted ordinariness. To be real.

    I’m grateful for the privilege of distance from what harms me.

    For possessing sufficient autonomy to step away from what destabilises, to curate not just my physical environment but the subtler architecture of inputs, relationships, temporal rhythms. To treat sensitivity as a form of attunement worth protecting rather than as pathology requiring correction. This is not equally distributed, this capacity for choice. Safety is unevenly allocated. And yet here it arrives in my life: the possibility of choosing softness rather than armour.

    And I’m grateful to do the work I’m meant to do.

    The work that feels like it has a pulse. The kind that aligns with my values, my mind, my aesthetics, with the longing to transform experience into something that resonates beyond the merely personal. I am grateful that creativity persists, that it continues to return even after periods of dormancy, that it keeps insisting I pay attention.

    Mostly, I’m grateful for this: that life still feels possible.

    That even as the past exerts its gravitational pull, the future continues to call. That fear and forward motion can coexist. That tenderness and strength are not opposites but companions. That I can be here—breathing, becoming, being—and let this be sufficient. Let it be enough.

  • A dream within a dream

    Last night I had an enigmatic dream that turned nightmarish and dystopian.

    At least twice, I became aware I was dreaming. I even woke up inside the dream—a dream-within-a-dream—and then went back to sleep to keep dreaming, so I could finish it and write it down. At one point, while I was “awake” inside the dream, I was already writing a story based on the dream. And now I’m writing parts of it here.

    Anyway—this is how it started.

    Inside the dream within the dream, in the second—actually the third—layer, I was in the city centre, in a concealed place, with a guy I used to know vaguely and a teacher. The teacher had us make transfers using carbon paper—right there on the floor—and then interpret them: what emotions they stirred, what thoughts they triggered.

    The image was seemingly simple: a skull with flowers. A vanitas motif, or a stereotypical gothic tattoo.

    After waking up inside the dream (back in the second layer), I returned to that same location to see if there was anything real about what I’d seen. There was nothing printed on the floor—but I did see the skull, like a shadow in the exact same spot. I stood there wondering if it was just a pattern my brain was imposing on the world, a moment of pareidolia. It felt very eerie.

    Then something stranger happened: I experienced an echo of another person’s life, and it made me wonder if it was something divine at work. I heard what he was hearing—and what he was hearing was what another person was hearing—and who knows how many people the message had passed through before reaching us.

    It was part song, part voice note. Distorted and cryptic, yet somehow it made perfect sense in context—eerily aligned with the present moment as I walked through the city centre, like it had been timed to meet me there.

    Then—“the next day,” in the dream—a woman pulled me into that same spot at night. She told me a nightmarish prophecy: a plague was coming, to affect the city, maybe the entire world. And the plague, she said, would bear the face of the first person to find us in that place.

    And then it began.

    We didn’t see the person then. Whoever it was, they were hiding. And suddenly there were little creatures everywhere—crawling things with indistinguishable human faces. A nightmare for me. Apparently they would grow, and over time their feeding habits would change.

    I woke up inside the first dream layer and felt relieved, because I knew it wasn’t real—though I’d kind of known all along. In the second and third layers, I’d already been aware I was dreaming. I also kept remembering I had to be somewhere soon (a real meeting I have IRL), like an anchor tugging at me from the waking world.

    In the first dream layer, I realised again that it was a dream—and then, finally, I woke up for real.

    It almost makes me wonder if I’m still dreaming.

  • Gratitude Journal Entry No 3

    Today I’m grateful for the quiet recalibrations — the subtle ways life keeps bringing me back to myself.

    I’m grateful for the stories I no longer tell about myself. The ones that said I had to earn rest, or be conventionally productive, proactive or constantly performing in order to be worthy. I’m learning to meet my own needs without an apology attached. Boundaries are starting to feel less like fences and more like front doors.

    I’m grateful for the body’s loyalty. Even when my mind argues, my body tells the truth — tightness when something is off, warmth when it’s right. I’m learning to listen sooner, to stop negotiating with signals that are already clear.

    I’m grateful for the parts of me that used to feel inconvenient: the sensitive one who notices everything, the cautious one who double-checks, the fiery one who speaks up. They’re not problems to fix; they’re internal teammates with different jobs. They’ve become my compass. When I honour them, I move in alignment; when I silence them, I drift.

    I’m grateful for work that asks for my heart and my brain. For words that show up when I’m truly present. For projects that teach me patience. For the reminder that progress is often a quiet accumulation of small, honest efforts.

    I’m grateful for detours. Plans that didn’t unfold have redirected me towards what fits. The invitation I didn’t receive, the door that stayed closed, the path that forked — each one was a quiet act of care I didn’t recognise at the time. It’s easier now to release what isn’t a match without making it a story about my value.

    I’m grateful for the work that lets me alchemise experience into service — taking what hurt and shaping it into language, tools, and presence that might ease someone else’s pain or mind. Meaning doesn’t erase pain, but it does give it a direction.

    I’m grateful for ordinary comforts that feel like anchors: sunlight on tiles, cold drink after a walk in the heat, a playlist that hits the exact frequency my nervous system needed. These are my daily stitches — how I mend the day while it’s still in my hands.

    I’m grateful for the future I can’t see yet. Not because I know what’s coming, but because I’m learning to trust who I’ll be when it arrives. I don’t need every answer to take the next kind step.

  • Healing: A Gentle Unfolding

    I’ve walked through the terrain of healing, and if there’s one thing I’ve come to understand, it’s this: healing isn’t linear. It may come in recognisable stages, but it doesn’t follow a timeline. It loops back on itself, unfolds unevenly, and often catches you off guard.

    It moves in layers. Cycles. Spirals. It stalls and it surges — often revisiting the same path from a new depth.

    It can feel like progress one day, and total regression the next. But what I’ve learned is that every part of the process — every step forward, every stumble, every still moment — is part of the return.

    The return to yourself.

    Even when it feels like everything has fallen apart, what people are really in is a sacred unfolding. A slow, aching, deeply intelligent movement towards healing. They are falling into alignment.

    Healing doesn’t come all at once.

    It reveals itself in waves, in seasons, in ambiguous moments.

    It comes in that morning you wake up and realise you’re not bracing for the day ahead.

    In the sudden softness of your breath when someone holds your hand without you pulling away.

    In the moment you let the tears come — not out of despair, but relief.

    And it doesn’t begin with joy. It begins with honesty.

    The first stage of healing, for many, is rupture.

    That moment something breaks — a relationship, a belief, your nervous system. Sometimes, it’s loud. Other times, it’s the quiet hum of “I can’t keep doing this anymore.”

    Then many enter a state of shock. You might be filled with a thousand emotions all at once: disbelief, pain, rage, confusion. The ground feels shaky. The body instinctively retreats into itself. Let it. Meet the vulnerability with presence, otherwise…

    Then comes the resistance.
    This is the part we don’t talk about enough. The pushback. The “maybe I’m fine.” The instinct to numb, distract, avoid. It’s not weakness. It’s protection. The body’s way of saying, “I’m scared.”

    Then comes the numbness. The protective freeze. The disbelief. You go through the motions. You’re functional, but far from whole.

    Then comes the awareness…A flicker of knowing that something doesn’t feel right. That the ache you’ve been carrying wasn’t always there. That the exhaustion isn’t just from a bad week, but a buildup of years. Recognition… A dawning sense that something important is surfacing. That the story you’ve lived with isn’t the whole story. And with recognition comes acceptance — not the kind that makes everything okay, but the kind that says, “this is mine, and I can face it now.”

    What follows is grief — deep, confusing grief. Grief for the things that happened, yes. But also for the time you lost pretending you were okay. For the versions of you that never got to bloom.

    After that, often, comes anger. Rage, even. The fire. The “why didn’t anyone protect me?” The “how dare they?”

    Anger is not the enemy. It is sacred information.

    It protects your boundaries before you know how to. It says: “I deserved better.”

    It comes in waves, or sometimes all at once. And while it’s not easy, this is the part where things begin to shift. The dam cracks. Emotion moves.

    After the fire, sometimes there is emptiness. A hollow quiet where the old self used to be. This is not a failure — it’s the shedding. The space left behind when you let go of what doesn’t work for you.

    And finally, slowly, there is softening.

    Not forgiveness, necessarily. Not forgetting.

    But space.

    You place gentle distance between the wound and your identity.

    You begin to see yourself not as what happened to you — but as the one who survived it, felt it, held it, and lived. As the awareness behind.

    That’s when integration begins.

    You start living again. Differently. More slowly. More consciously. More bravely.
    You try new ways of being. You stumble, relearn, adapt. And it’s hard. But it’s worth it.
    You practice micro-choices that add up: Breathing deeper. Saying no. Staying when it’s safe. Leaving when it’s not. Replacing old reflexes with new rituals.

    The nervous system settles. It learns safety. Joy peeks its head around the corner. Not the loud kind, but the quiet joy of being present in your life. Of tasting food. Watching films. Catching a captivating scent. Appreciating nature. Of laughing without effort.

    And then comes release.
    A deep exhale.
    Not because everything is fixed — but because you no longer have to hold it all so tightly.
    You recognise that this moment, just as it is, holds you. And that’s enough.

    Eventually, transformation comes.
    Rather than as a grand event, it comes as the subtle, gradual, daily choosing of something new.
    You rearrange your life in a way that honours who you’re becoming.
    You build your world around your truth.
    There’s no need to hurry. Even the smallest steps can lead to profound shifts.

    You start choosing.

    This journey is not linear. You may circle back, feel like you’re unraveling again, question whether you’ve made any progress at all.

    But each time, the return is different. Quicker. Wiser. Kinder.

    Healing is a relationship, not a destination. A relationship you nurture over time. One that asks for your presence more than your perfection.

    I used to think healing was about fixing myself. Now I know it’s about finding myself again.

    The parts I abandoned to survive. The softness I tucked away.

    Healing is a series of moments where you choose to come back to yourself, again and again, with love.

    And when that love is mirrored by the right people — by safety, by attunement, by presence — something incredible happens…

    Your nervous system is shown, again and again, a different story. Through the repeated experience of safety, love, and presence — enough times for your body to finally believe: it’s over now.
    And you begin to believe you’re worthy of healing.
    And you are.
    Always.

    Healing doesn’t mean we forget what hurt us. It means we hold it with more care. We bring it to the light.

    We meet it with kindness.

    Wherever you are in this process, know this:

    You’re not late.
    You’re not failing.
    You’re healing.

  • 20 Beautiful & Oddly Specific Reasons to Enjoy Life

    1. The delicate and peaceful sound of my cat drinking water, like raindrops tapping the surface of a still pond.
    2. The papery sigh of a novel closing after a long emotional journey.
    3. Catching the scent of old paper and instantly being transported to a library I’ve never actually been to.
    4. Rereading a book and stumbling across a highlighted passage like a message from a past version of myself.
    5. When a line in a film or book mirrors my inner monologue so precisely, as if the screenwriter or author borrowed my soul for a moment. Also, when the first sentence of a book or line of a film feels like the start of a new life.
    6. Catching my reflection and thinking, “Who is she?!” but in a good, main-character way.
    7. When my playlist shuffle feels personally and eerily curated by the universe.
    8. When a song I forgot I loved starts playing in a random place.
    9. When sunlight filters through curtains like a scene from a French New Wave film.
    10. Watching the shadows of leaves perform a ballet on walls.
    11. The eerie comfort of fog swallowing the landscape, softening the edges of reality.
    12. Putting my ear to a seashell and pretending it’s whispering ancient stories just to me.
    13. Overhearing a random snippet of a conversation that makes absolutely no sense but still cracks me up.
    14. Talking to animals like they completely understand the emotional weight of my words.
    15. The delicate rhythm of footsteps echoing down an empty corridor, like life composing its own score.
    16. Witnessing two pigeons having what seems to be a very serious argument.
    17. Catching a falling leaf mid-air and making a wish, even if I don’t necessarily believe in them.
    18. When the shape of a cloud resembles something mythological like a sleeping Minotaur, a weeping Muse.
    19. The strange nostalgia of walking into a room I’ve never seen before but swear I’ve dreamed of.
    20. Realising I’ve designed entire cities in my dreams that I revisit as if they’re archived in a forgotten corner of the real world.
  • Kriyā and the Art of Alignment: Writing from the Self

    There’s a passage in The Artist’s Way that has stayed with me, one where Julia Cameron introduces the concept of Kriyā, a Sanskrit term meaning “action”, but which she expands to describe a kind of spiritual crisis — a deeper, almost visceral reaction we have when something in our life is misaligned. It’s the pain that hits right after we force ourselves to endure something we shouldn’t. The exhaustion that follows overcommitment. The anxiety that builds when we ignore our creative instincts. The psychosomatic warning system that lets us know when we are forcing ourselves into a life that doesn’t fit. A kriyā is the body saying, “Enough.” It’s a warning from the self we’ve ignored for too long.

    She describes how, when we ignore our truth — whether by working a job that stifles us, overcommitting to obligations that drain us, or even rescuing people who should be rescuing themselves — our body protests. We get sick, anxious, lethargic. Our emotions flare up, and our energy vanishes. Cameron’s Kriyā, in this sense, goes beyond simply taking action; it requires recognising when the actions we are taking are working against us.

    Through morning pages and self-reflection, we begin to see where we are out of sync. At first, this clarity feels like loss.

    “I can’t keep ignoring my health or sacrificing my time for this job. Or “I have outgrown this job.”
    “This relationship isn’t working.”
    “I don’t enjoy this anymore.”

    Realising these things can be painful. We often resist. We want to keep the illusion that everything is fine. We don’t want to change — we want things to change for us. But as Cameron points out, once we eliminate ambiguity from our lives — when we become clearer about who we are, what we want, and what we stand for — we also lose illusion. And while losing illusion can feel like a loss, it is also a gift. We gain something invaluable: the truth.

    And yet, truth doesn’t arrive gently. It disrupts. It can bring tears and frustration. Cameron compares this process to a spiritual seizure, an upheaval that shakes us until we let go of what no longer serves us. This is where art and self-expression come in — not as an escape, but as a way to process and understand this shift.

    One of Cameron’s most striking ideas is that as we clarify who we are, our creative voice becomes coherent. When we are fragmented — when we suppress parts of ourselves to fit into jobs, relationships, or roles that don’t align with us — our creative work reflects that fragmentation. It feels scattered, disconnected. It lacks a centre. But as we strip away the false selves, as we clear out the clutter — physical, emotional, psychological — our writing, our art, begins to feel like it comes from the same person. A pattern emerges.

    She calls it the snowflake pattern of the soul — a unique, intricate identity that takes shape once we shed false layers. The more we remove what is not ours, the more distinct our pattern becomes. And when we create from that place, our work has coherence, continuity. Our writing, our art, no longer feels like it was made by multiple conflicting selves but by one true self.

    Also, writing (or any creative work) involves tuning into what is already within us, rather than inventing something outside of ourselves. And that means confronting our real emotions, our real desires, and our real experiences. This is why Cameron insists that creativity is not based on fantasy — it is rooted in reality. Art happens in the moment of encounter: when we meet our truth, we meet ourselves. And only by meeting ourselves can we create something original.

    She seems to emphasise the following points:

    1. Listen to the kriyās. Pay attention to where life feels wrong, where you are forcing things. Let yourself feel the loss of illusion.
    2. Write from clarity. As you refine your self-understanding, your art will refine itself too. Your writing will begin to feel like it flows from one true voice, not a chorus of conflicting selves.

    Beyond its myriad interpretations and purposes, art is about becoming someone. Becoming the person who can create freely, without distortion. And in that becoming, as we align with who we truly are, our voice, our art, the snowflake pattern of our soul will finally emerge — whole, authentic, and coherent.

    According to Cameron, writing (or any creative act) therefore requires a stable sense of self. We need to know, at least on some level, who is speaking in order for our voice to emerge authentically on the page. If we are constantly shifting to accommodate external expectations, our work will feel scattered, fragmented, and uncertain — reflecting the uncertainty within us. To write from the self, we must first reclaim it. We must listen to our Kriyā, recognise where we are out of sync, and make adjustments — not just in our creative work, but in our daily lives. The more we align our actions with our deeper truth, the more naturally our words will flow.

    That said, I don’t fully agree with the idea that writing requires a singular, stable self. Writers like Whitman, Virginia Woolf, and David Hume remind us that identity is not a fixed entity but a shifting constellation of thoughts, perceptions, and impressions. Whitman famously declared, “I contain multitudes” while Woolf wrote, “I am rooted, but I flow”, suggesting that while parts of us are fluid, ever-shifting, there is also a deeper, more unshakable core — something immutable that makes us who we are. Hume, on the other hand, challenges even this notion of a stable self, asking, “When you enter most intimately into what you call yourself, what do you find?” His answer: a collection of perceptions in perpetual motion, never truly fixed.

    In my case, the fluidity in my writing does not stem from accommodating external expectations; rather, it emerges from exploring the fluidity of the self itself. Creativity allows me to move between different facets of my identity, to express contradictions, to embrace the shifting and evolving nature of being. Even to dream myself into another existence. Rather than seeing this as fragmentation, I see it as expansion — writing as a way of capturing the many selves that exist within me, rather than fixing them into one.

    At the same time, there is work to be done in letting go of how my writing will be received. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking about how something might be interpreted, whether it will make sense to others, or whether it aligns with an external narrative. But ultimately, what matters most is this is how it feels to me. Writing from that space — without worrying about how it will be perceived — feels like the truest way to honour both the clarity and the fluidity of self-expression.

  • 2025 Affirmations

    1. My words create beauty and meaning, carrying the warmth of my inner light as well as the authenticity, depth, and complexity of the mind into the world.
    2. I trust life to guide me towards places of deep love and awe.
    3. Time is a kind companion, unfolding each moment at the perfect pace and guiding me gently beyond painful memories, allowing me to heal and grow with grace.
    4. I am open to new opportunities that align with my passions and purpose.
    5. A quiet moment with myself is a place of growth, wisdom, and solace.
    6. Each new day is a blank page.
    7. I prioritise my well-being by caring for my mind, body, and spirit.
    8. My spirit embraces the soft glow of hope.
    9. The harmony I seek flows from the wellspring of my own soul.
    10. I cultivate a clear, open heart and mind, free from old baggage, regrets or unresolved ties.
    11. My life oscillates between moments spent with healthy, genuine connections and moments of peaceful solitude.
    12. I embrace a refreshing sense of freedom as I move joyfully into new beginnings.
  • Gift Ideas for a Sentimental Soul

    Antique mirror
    Dreamy fragrance
    Heart-shaped silver locket with photo
    Crystal figurine
    Art phone case
    Gothic candelabrum
    Vintage bag
    Sophisticated drop earrings
    Lace garter
    Confessional letters
    Mubi subscription
    Gaia subscription
    Adventure games on Steam
    White lace dress
    Satin pillow cases and bed sheets
    Embellished cosmetics
    Vintage diary decorated with pressed flowers
    Poetry books
    Old film camera
    Art bookmark
    Musical box
    Personalised Star Map
    Antique Fountain Pen
    Scented candles
    Pressed flower jewellery
    Press on nails with intricate designs
    Deep conversations
    Emotional support

  • Gratitude Journal Entry No 1

    Today, a sense of peace and joy fills me as I write this first entry in my gratitude journal. I’m thankful for the courage to finally start this little project, knowing it’s a step towards nurturing my mental health after facing a year of challenges I wasn’t sure I’d overcome. But here I am. Writing this journal is an act of self-love. As November comes to an end, I find myself looking forward to Christmas, anticipating the lighter, warmer feeling that always accompanies the magic of the season. This Christmas will feel even more special with my new companion by my side – my sweet little cat, Fairy, who’s been a constant source of joy and laughter. I can already imagine her curiously inspecting the ornaments and playfully pawing at the tinsel, adding a delightful touch of mischief and joy to the season.

    I’m grateful for my inspiration to write poetry. I’m grateful for finally starting to take singing lessons, thus validating my real potential in this department. I’m grateful to have the chance to start a new online course on The Psychology of Emotions: an introduction to embodied cognition. I’m grateful for the Steam Autumn sale, as I will finally play Hogwarts Legacy.

    I am filled with gratitude for the simple joys that often go unnoticed. I’m thankful for the slice of decadent cake I indulged in. For discovering the pure deliciousness of Oreo Frappé. For making plans to bake molten chocolate lava cake with my mother. For the laughter and care of loved ones.

    As I look outside, I’m grateful for the crisp air, the gentle sway of trees in the wind, and the warmth of observing the cold weather while being wrapped in a cozy blanket watching the new season of Arcane.

    More than anything, I am thankful for the chance to begin anew, the strength that has brought me here, and the hope that keeps me going. I embrace the journey forward as I’m sharing it with you.

    Life’s beauty sometimes lies in such fleeting moments, and I am learning to cherish them more each day. Gratitude, for me, represents a path to finding peace in the present. This journal is also a promise to myself to reflect and cherish the good as it encourages me to keep my heart open, even on days when the world feels heavy. I may be sad at times, but, a layer behind the sadness, there is hope.

  • The Force

    You don’t know me if you have no clue
    what it’s like
    to feel like a ticking bomb,
    to have a latent force within you,
    ready to devour you at any moment.