DIANA MARIN

Tag: personal

  • The adapted version of The Proust Questionnaire

    As a fan of Marcel Proust who loves the way he perceives the world as depicted in À la recherche du temps perdu, I thought I should write down my answers to the most popular version of his iconic questionnaire in my first unequivocally personal blog post, even though my answers may very well change tomorrow:

    What is your idea of perfect happiness?
    Time travel. Interplanetary travel. As for a slightly more down-to-earth answer, visiting the most beautiful, inspiring- ethereal or eerie- places, absorbing every moment spent there and feeling connected to the place, living in the present, and having a cultivated soul.

    What is your greatest fear?
    Death. Non-existence. Annihilation. Oblivion. Aging. Bugs.

    Which historical figure do you most identify with?
    Literary figures: Virginia Woolf & Sylvia Plath.

    Which living person do you most admire?
    Tilda Swinton. Richard Dawkins. David Lynch. Plus anyone who positively influences the world, who is aware of the whole picture and manages to focus on the good rather than the bad in the world, overall.

    What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
    I will mention a few, although I have conflicting feelings about these traits as I don’t always deplore them: cynicism, the low-key need to be in control, fickleness in some respects, ricocheting between emotional frostiness and impulsiveness, scepticism to the point where I start being sceptical of my own scepticism, and taking myself too seriously (but otherwise I probably wouldn’t be able or feel propelled to write!).

    What is the trait you most deplore in others?
    Duplicity, hypocrisy. Prejudice. Lack of empathy and inability to listen. Arrogance. Wrong life values. Underestimating me.

    What is your greatest extravagance?
    My luxury perfume collection. Not sleeping at night.

    What is your favourite journey?
    towards self-awareness and self-development, through self-indulgence and creative fulfilment.

    What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
    Patience. Sympathy (not empathy). Contentment. Humility and prudence in women’s case. 

    On what occasion do you lie?
    When the conversation doesn’t matter, or when I’m convinced that telling the truth wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone involved. 

    Which living person do you most despise?
    anyone who uses their power to negatively influence, harm, ruin, or eradicate the lives of innocent people, either on an individual level, or on an organised level.

    Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
    aesthetic. surreal. oh my god. yeah. no.

    What is your greatest regret?
    caring when I shouldn’t have. not caring when I should have.

    What or who is the greatest love of your life?
    perfume, cinema, music, labyrinthine architecture

    When and where were you happiest?
    I don’t remember exactly but I’m gonna say it was probably a case of frisson- “aesthetic chills”- that I experienced whilst watching a hypnotic, revealing, or epiphany-inducing film or piece of art.

    Which talent would you most like to have?
    a mesmerising, emotion-inducing, magical singing voice.

    What is your current state of mind?
    introspective. conflicted.

    If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
    I’d give myself an infinite dose of productivity and the capacity to love the world freely and unconditionally. Getting rid of grudges. Being less fickle/wishy-washy in some respects.

    What do you consider your greatest achievement?
    rising from the flames like a Phoenix.

    If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
    a fairy or a nymph.

    What is your most treasured possession?
    my perfume collection, my films collection, my velvet dresses collection,

    What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
    not living the life you want, letting obsessions or demons consume you, feeling trapped.

    Where would you like to live?
    in a beautiful place adorned with paintings and different styles of decorations on each floor or in each room (Gothic, minimalist, dreamy, airy fantasy style etc). Also, in the distant future, maybe on a different, ultra-advanced planet. Either that or in one of the many film fantasy worlds I love.

    What is your favourite occupation?
    maladaptive daydreaming

    What is your most marked characteristic?
    being artistically-inclined. being headstrong, perceptive/astute, experiencing derealisation and zoning out (this sounds contradictory to the astuteness, but it’s actually not!); inquisitive, independent-minded, and a freethinker. looking sad or annoyed when I’m actually in a neutral or thoughtful mood.

    What is the quality you most like in a man?
    Intelligence (including emotional intelligence), genuineness, confidence -not cockiness, self-awareness

    What is the quality you most like in a woman?
    strength, genuineness, intelligence, confidence, self-awareness

    What do you most value in your friends?
    kindness, authenticity, having my best interests at heart, trustworthiness, & respecting confidentiality

    Who are your favourite writers?
    Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Baudelaire, Oscar Wilde, Vladimir Nabokov, Hermann Hesse

    Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
    Jessica Jones, Vanessa Ives, Jean des Esseintes, Violet Baudelaire, Rogue

    What do you dislike most about your appearance?
    I like my appearance overall, but there are two or three things I would/will probably change if I can.

    Who are your heroes in real life?
    Inspiring women who are unapologetically fierce and do whatever they feel like (unless they are psychopaths or something equally worrying).

    What are your favourite names?
    Morgana, Diana, Ariadna, Mordred, Crystal.

    What is it that you most dislike?
    pity, prejudice, labels.

    How would you like to die?
    Knowing that I will be revived as an immortal goddess, mostly because I want to live forever, but all the other perks would be fun too!

    What is your favourite motto?
    Do no harm, but take no shit. // C’est la vie. //
    Incantation-“You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.”
    Quotes-“I stopped explaining myself when I realised other people only understand from their level of perception.”
    “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
    “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”
    “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”

    Write your own answers to all or some of these below, I’m interested to see!

  • A poem: Unfiltered

    Clinical,
    surreal emptiness.
    Chocolate-scented wood.
    Smell of new and
    non-alcoholic intoxication.
    Life as art for art’s sake.

    Neon light flickers as you blink
    infected by dizziness.

    No longer tone-deaf to the harmonies
    of your own soul,
    you don’t shrink for someone else to grow.

    An invisible corpse in the plastic bag
    winks at you from the corner-
    madness, it grows
    in sanity.

    Lifeless but intense:
    you don’t pray for another,
    you prey for yourself.

     

  • Train of thought

    You said to yourself that it was too cold and that was why you could barely function. It was either that, or the weeks-long stagnation of the spirit.

    One day you will no longer think of your own passing, or that of those closest to you, no longer delving in scenarios of unhappiness out of masochistic urges, or in abyssal streams of consciousness.

    The city, oh, the city. Sometimes you are the city, sometimes the city is in you, sometimes the city does not exist, or is something so detached from who you are, even as you pass right through its heart. The city in daylight and the city at night – such peculiar dualism to which your mindset adjusts, and which appeals to different beings within you, with different dreams and different nightmares.

    You need success and fulfilment in order to open up. Is it right? It might be ingrained – inherited or caused by nurture. Unfolding at your most vulnerable seems impractical anyway, what a silly thing to do. Put up walls and let flowers climb them.

    I ate everything I had in the house -red and purple fruits and chocolate, then I took the first train and stopped at the station where my train of thought decided to let me go. The station was all empty, I smiled to myself, and nature witnessed. There is a journey ahead.

  • Aquarium

    On the other side, I see your face distorted among plants and fish; you smile and I’m happy because I know you know how I love rivers, lakes, and the sea from afar, and how I used to take swimming lessons when I was little, yet was never eventually able to swim for long distances as I always ran out of breath. You might also remember that I loved facing gigantic waves during storms, letting myself be lifted up and carried by the motion of the sea. Despite this, we probably talked about how I would not want to live by the sea, rather, I always wanted to find out what it would be like to live up in the mountains for a while, with the people I love, a dog, and a cat, surrounded by the warmth of a fireplace, drinking hot chocolate, watching the snowflakes tracing patterns on small windows. Would it be nicer than getting lost in the chaos of a big city?

  • Shiver

    That tender memory
    of snowdrops,
    dreamy air,
    and spring dew
    made my world shiver this morning
    once again.

  • status quo

    The universal shift of focus
    from being to seeming
    permeates our age of confusion.

  • Identity & divided introspection

    As a Postgraduate student in the arts (the extended definition of art, including film, photography, and literature), I often find that I have to reconcile two sides of myself when it comes to my blog and digital footprint, both of these sides being complex and assertive to the point that I can call them two selves:

    One of them is my artistic identity, which has been shaped over the years by several factors, hopefully progressing in style, concept, aesthetic, and presentation. This self prefers to express an inner world indirectly, through symbols and conceptual images. Within this context, there are concerns about projection and representation: the conception of the self, the reconciliation between truth and appearance, the gaps in between, inner and outer perceptions, and questions regarding aesthetic. I explore my self through different forms of art, the result being a reflection of something within. This is why I tend to eliminate previous work, once I feel like I surpassed it in some way, like I have become someone else since then, and I no longer identify with the selves I presented prior to some particular life-turning knowledge. This self thinks creating art is the aim; this self is raw, unapologetic about its at times elusive symbolic nature in which there is depth and sincerity to be found, but which is often too preoccupied with finding the right way of expression. Through this perception, less is more when it comes to conveying what is within, in that explanations are unnecessary, as creative endeavours are self-sufficient. Creative language is essential and absolute to how I perceive myself. Thus I don’t like talking about myself directly, for it seems any description would not comprise all the depths.

    However, objectively, you cannot always tell that much about someone’s personality through their artwork, of whatever nature, and I am saying this despite the fact that I feel like I pour myself entirely into it, sometimes. In fact, perhaps, being on the outside, looking in, you can only see a fraction, which is open to interpretation. When you take a photograph of a place you experienced with rapture, or a portrait, you remember those moments, and you associate the photograph with them, feeling that it conveys so much because it is charged with your feelings. But those emotions remain within you, and the photograph is an extension of you, thereby others will not perceive it as you do. They will perceive it based on how it resonates with their own being.

    To return to the suggested dichotomy, the other self involves the social and analytical nature. The one allowing me to write this sincere post in a public space, going against the privacy and representation concerns of the first. Because of this other inclination, I started my blog, rather than simply going for a portfolio website. Because of this, I did not use a pen name for it. In this case, the social use of language is essential, while promoting or exploring the poetic and photographic language. Sincerity means exposure; exposure means sincerity. Reaching others through this sincerity and through more unequivocal forms of expression is important. This self mediates my relationship with the outside world. It also means I try to let go, allow myself to make progress in various areas of life without having to get rid of previous versions of myself forever. This self is raw and unapologetic about its direct stream-of-consciousness confessions.

    In other words, there is a constant battle between revealing too much and not revealing enough when it comes to life, social media persona, just as when you take a photograph. Should there be a curation of thoughts? Yes. Should it be based on what makes sense at the time, or what seems to represent a more long-lasting belief? Most websites, and most artworks imply careful curation of content. Sometimes it feels that you can more easily convey something, your artistic awareness, and an awareness of what is within, an inner permanence and at the same time touch an audience through selected conceptual artwork rather than distract with random thoughts and perhaps temporary beliefs, whilst other times it feels like these perhaps not-so-random thoughts and temporary beliefs are a significant part of you, as they represent your thought process at a particular time, even if you later realise it was not perfect. Being able to balance these two comes with experience.

    There are many branches in this tree, and this post extended on many, but hopefully they can all be grasped without leaves falling.

  • Pleasures in life

    Pleasures in life

    My happiness is sometimes derived from:

    The scents of acacia flowers, honeysuckle and snowdrops; the taste of greengages.

    Moments when I feel I love what I am doing: when I get excited while reading research or creative writing – and, consequently, when I feel like I can contribute to the research or I can create stories – either through words or photographs. When I am inspired – to create and to live fully.

    Meeting people I truly connect with. Everything is genuine and pure, everything flows, the masks are left aside, and no one questions another’s words or feelings. You just know what is happening, share the same smile, and are able to live, truly live in each other’s company without performing. The feeling of belonging.

    Peace of mind, in general, or moments of blissful lightheartedness. When every veil of worry, gloom or heaviness is lifted up and I feel unconditional love and self-love within. This is also when I can appreciate every simple aspect of being. It even feels like my body is lighter, like I float, just as my thoughts do.

    Wandering in fantasy worlds reminiscent of my childhood.

    Running. Setting goals and accomplishing them.

    Finding a film I am profoundly touched by. If you know me, you know how intensely I can immerse into films. I become the character, I live the films when I watch them. The pleasure consists in the experience itself, in losing and finding yourself in a concept or a story. It can be revealing, too.

    Adventures. waterfalls. explorations in nature; admiring its grandeur, but also the grandeur of an old temple or a rich urban or futuristic noir-looking area.

    Those rare moments my writing always eventually comes back to; the ones I try to grasp through words, but fail. Those surreal moments.

    Living in a place decorated by me, where I can have my own space, a secret garden where my pet would dwell, and arch-shaped windows. The decor would be elegantly dark in some rooms, fantasy-like in others, and there will be at least one room with everything in it white and light (see Valerie’s room from “Valerie and her Week of Wonders”). There would be Gothic art, paintings spanning different cultures, motifs, and ages – with a preference for Pre-Raphaelite depictions of mythological scenes, candlelit rooms at night, and classical and dark atmospheric music filling the hallway. Ideally, I’d have this variety of design styles to suit my whims.

    To mention a one-off: Hearing Sharon den Adel’s angelic voice for the first time, and seeing her on stage at Artmania Festival.

    What makes you happy?

  • Diary entry: library

    The pleasure of feeling beams of light piercing through tired, stained windows and caressing the air impregnated by particles of dust. The pleasure of being inside, away from the unbearable, threatening sunlight. Expressionistic shapes are formed on old grey walls holding Pre-Raphaelite portraits of mythical women. A shuttering of a window, a shuttering of a book, a shuttering of a mouth after a hasty yawn. Steps – some confident, some shy, some confused or determined, intermittently disrupting an enchanting silence. Wings cleaving the warm air surrounding a five storey building populated by anxious or dreamy souls. A crow gazing straight into the eyes of a figure that returns the gaze, seemingly bewildered. The sound of the wind shouting at buildings. The sound of nature against architecture. The sound of destruction, the sound of collapse.